after dark (死结)

‘after dark (死结)’ by Jiayun Zhang (@jiayun_zh)

two bodies entangled at the taco stand

sprawls over the bench like those infinity knots

my mum would tell me about.

when i mess up tying my shoelace or

try and fix a broken bracelet i tore

from too much wear, from ripping it off too fast.

my friend tells me i smell like cigarettes

& i smile & remember a time i didn’t smoke,

where the smell of an old uncle

or grandfather and his pipe

(or pack of 双喜烟) would be so

acrid to my nose i’d choke

on whoever held that stick of gunpowder between his lips

& have to leave

(a restaurant twice, a wedding once)

& i walk on the same cracked concrete

i dance on, tipsy & dizzy from some fabled third afterparty

or perhaps what i recall is

waiting pulse racing face flushing till the tips of my earlobes

(& all the other squidgy bits i hate)

start glowing, stomach tied in knots

for some pretty peter-pan-sort-of-boy to whisk me away

to have dinner to watch a show to stargaze.

& there’s a purple light beaming through the window

of a fifth floor apartment i used to pretend was home

a while ago, before it got bloated from

boxes and boxes of junk & stolen jewellery & old clothes & my missing socks

& what seems to be

a gross, ginormous american flag hung over the right wall

over the couch & the little notes i’d scrawl

in pencil over white drywall, just to erase right away

& my stomach is in knots again

but not the infinity kind,

the sort of knot you pull

& it comes loose, taut,

frail in your hand & begging you

to redo it into a bow or crochet it into a bag, a jumper,

something useful, to do anything to it

so that it would make sense

in my inbox there are five invitations this week to do something, to

eat or move or dance or sit together

i want to reply but

there is laundry and homework and class and i am

so awfully tired.

Jiayun Zhang is a Vancouver based writer and filmmaker studying in Los Angeles. Born and raised in Shanghai, Jiayun aims to tell stories that bring us together – exploring multiculturalism, AAPI identity and womanhood through an artistic and stylised lens. She likes green tea and cherries, the Vancouver rain, the Los Angeles thrifting scene, and late night high-rise rooftop excursions.